20+ Worlds Funnniest Jokes and One Liners

1. I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

2. When chemists die, they barium.

3. Jokes about German sausage are wurst.

4. A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

5. I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

6. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

7. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned in me.

8. This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I have never met herbivore.

9. I am reading a book about anti-gravity, I can't put it down.

10. I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

By the way, if you like these then you would surely enjoy the 50+ Funniest Quotes.

11. They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type O.

12. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

13. PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

14. Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

15. Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

16. Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

17. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

18. How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

19. What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

20. When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

21. What does a clock do when its hungry? It goes back four seconds.

22. I wondered why baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

23. Broken pencils are pointless.

Ritu Chakravarti, Not Funny!

I found this video yesterday from a friend's Facebook stream. After after I saw (or heard, rather) this video, I was dying to share these thoughts with Rubi Chakravarti (and BBC World Have Your Say).

Now I don't know about you but I got my schooling in humor and sarcasm from the legends like Mitch Hedberg and George Carlin and Russell Peters. Because of which I can differentiate between comedy and "tragedy". And what we have here Ritu is pure trash. Not the kind that Stephen King keeps talking about every now and then though. Even if I stretch the periphery of my imagination I cannot conceive this video in my mind as a comedy, or you as a comedian.

All I could make out of this video is a fat woman accusing the entire Indian male population just because some stupid guy invented some stupid product that some stupid female is bound to use some day! All I could hear was how that fat woman discuss the winnie of Indian male with her female friend and yearns for a hawt Italion stallion. And how the entire Indian male populace is to be penalized for the wrong-doings of that one guy. You are supposed to be a comedian, where's the comedy in this! Honestly, the only comedy I found in this video was the comedy of errors where you never had your witty rebuttals ready for Nagessh Pannaswami, and so ended up lashing out at him and the entire Indian male populace. Next time please come up with something really funny, our bandwidth still costs a lot.

And just one last thing before I bid adieu. If you are not satisfied with the winnie of an Indian man, we always welcome you to try other flavors. If that's not an option, feel free to buy the latest penis enlargement kit from eBay: a magnifying glass.

Legal DVDs vs Pirated DVDs

I guess this picture says it all.

So if you are planning to buy pirated DVDs, be prepared to start watching the movie from the word go. No time to get the bucket of pop-corn. Too bad huh! And you should always avoid sites like Pirate Bay and Torrent Freak else you might end up spending thousands in downloading free illegal movies and music et al from these sites. It would also start crowding your HDD, so you would have to buy an external HDD.

So avoid pirated stuff, else you might end up spending more. Buy original, get bored!

Sid-isms

Here's something that Siddharth Mehra had to offer to his faithful Facebook fans (and followers). A little introduction for Mr Mehra, he is my ex-Boss and one of the most wonderful guys I have ever met. He is capable of cheering you up in seconds. This is sort of a homage to you Sid. Now guy and gals, laugh your ass off :)

1. No matter where you live, there’s always one light switch that doesn’t do anything.

2. To find out who views your Facebook profile the most, look in the mirror.

3. There is no "i" in "Team".......well unless you work at Apple.

4. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

5. I never judge people by the color of their skin. That's fucking stupid and racist. I judge them by their cell phones.

6. If at first you don't succeed, try drinking beer while you do it. You'll be amazed at how much less you care.

7. If you want to find a needle in a haystack, just burn the haystack.

8. Inception should have been released on a DVD, inside a Bluray, inside a digital copy, inside a dream, inside of BestBuy.

9. What does the future hold? Global warming, depleted resources, & species going extinct. But also the iPhone 5, so it's break even.

10. Is she hot?- My reply to any story that starts with "This girl I know.."

11. One of my most refined skills is yawning during a meeting without opening my mouth.

12. To do list: 1) Change Facebook name to 'No One' 2) 'Like' peoples statuses.

13. Kim Kardashian is essentially 3 asses stacked on top of each other.

14. I'd like to shake the hand of the guy who invented the snooze button... in like 10 minutes.

15. "Hey Evolution, what the fuck?" - the Platypus

16. ROTFLMAOBNHETKMFTARLA Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off, but not hard enough to keep me from typing a really long acronym.

17. Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the fuck down.

18. Things I'm looking for in a life partner - A smart, sensitive, good natured lingerie model!

19. Every time someone clears their browser history there should be a little voice that says "good move."

20. "This is not fair!" - Russian guy realizing he got bad directions to the fair.

Oh yeah, I stole your pic for this one Sid.

50+ Funny Marriage Quotes

Here are some 50+ funniest marriage quotes that I have collected over the internet. Hope you would enjoy reading them as much as I did.

"Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts" -Jeff Foxworthy

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." -Groucho Marx

"The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once." -H.V. Prochnow

"I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it." -Lyndon B. Johnson

"A man's wife has more power over him than the state has." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

"My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't." -Unknown

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." -Rodney Dangerfield

"Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot." -Minnie Pearl

"Behind every great man there is a surprised woman." -Maryon Pearson

"They say love is blind and marriage is an institution. Well, I'm not ready for an institution for the blind just yet." -Mae West

"Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too." -H.L. Mencken

"A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished." -Zsa Zsa Gabor

For 50+ funniest quotes ever click here.

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." -Rodney Dangerfield

"No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single." -H.L. Mencken

"A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers." -Grace Hansen

"If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family." -Lawrence Housman

"Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women." -Marion Smith

Remember Mitch Hedberg, click here if you wanna burst out laughing reading Mitch Hedberg quotes.

"Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?" -Barbra Streisand

"My mother once told me that if a married couple puts a penny in a pot for every time they make love in the first year, and takes a penny out every time after that, they'll never get all the pennies out of the pot." -Armistead Maupin

"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery." -Erma Bombeck

"I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married." -Lewis Grizzard

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." -James Holt McGavran

"All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble." -Raymond Hull

"The total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution." -Bertrand Russell

"A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted" -Helen Rowland

"Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give." -Cass Daley

"Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join." -Elbert Hubbard

"The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open." -Groucho Marx

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means." -Henny Youngman

"When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife." -Prince Philip

"I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid." -Dorothy Parker

"When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one." -Helen Rowland

"Marriage is an adventure, like going to war." -G. K. Chesterton

"Alimony - The ransom that the happy pay to the devil." -H.L. Mencken

"A husband's last words should always be, OK buy it." -Unknown

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." -Jimmy Durante

"I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." -Rita Rudner

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage." -James Holt McGavran

"Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up." -Evelyn Hendrickson

"One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again." -Judith Viorst

"After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together." -Hemant Joshi

"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her." -Agatha Christie

"My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said I'd hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit." -Jerry Hall

"I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." -Marie Corelli

"Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit." -Billy Connolly

"Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse." -Arthur Baer

"Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?" -Barbra Streisand

And don't forget to subscribe to the RSS feed for The Chronicles of R to remain updated.

"I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry." - Rita Rudner

"Car Manufacturer's formula for a successful marriage : Stick to one model!" - Unknown

"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway." -Joey Adams

"What's for dinner is the only question many husbands ask their wives, and the only one to which they care about the answer." -Mignon McLaughlin

"Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering." -Unknown

"Women hope men will change after marriage but they don't; men hope women won't change but they do." -Bettina Arndt

"Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you." -Helen Rowland

"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." -Henny Youngman

"If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married." -Katharine Hepburn

"It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married." -Robert Frost

"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." -Oscar Wilde

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late." -Max Kauffmann

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." -Henry Youngman

The Kolaveri Slap Song

So this new song from the movie 3 has gone viral. And everybody on YouTube keeps asking the same question: Why This Kolaveri Di? In case you have missed the video and the song, here's the song for you:

Hope you enjoyed the song. But there's more to come. There's something else that have gone viral, the news of Sharad Pawar getting slapped. A man, indentified as Harvinder Singh, attacked the Nationalist Congress Party chief when he was speaking to reporters after a function at the NDMC Centre in the heart of the capital. And what a slap it was. Now in case you have missed that too here's Sharad Pawar getting slapped in the light of the Kolaveri song:

Even if you didnt enjoy the first one, I am sure you would thoroughly enjoy the second video.

20+ Funny Quotes on Facebook by Shoumik De

Shoumik De, a.k.a. Solution Baba, is a multi-talented friend of mine who happens to be a brilliant photographer and a natural born humorist. You can never keep a sad face with him around. So, I collected a few of his quotes from his Facebook Timeline and posted them here on my blog. Feel free to quote them on your profiles, but don't forget to give him a credit. Hope you would enjoy them as much as I did.

1. Ever wondered why there is a stairway to heaven, and a highway to hell?

2. Its a shame how much adult channels are there on television today. And even more irritating that they are all come in paid subscriptions.

3. I've said it before and I'll say it again. It.

4. Only people with cheap video cameras and shaky hands can only see UFOs and Lochness monster.

5. If abortion is murder, aren't condoms kidnapping?

6. He doesn't know what 'fear' is!! Hah!! Very poorly knowledge of English, very bad schooling.. I must say.

7. Dear God, when I said 'can it get any worst?' It was certainly not a challenge question. Miserably yours, child.

8. Maa hamare toilet mein bhoot hai kal raat darwaza khola to apne aap light jal gai *One Slap* Mom: now i know fridge se boo kyun aa rahi hai.

9. Goyal of Jet Airways and Mallya of Kingfisher are merging... guess the new airlines name would be 'GOL MAL Airlines'

10. I loved her for nothing so much as her floccinaucinihilipilification of money.

11. Revenge is best served to someone's toothbrush. Ekdum inner satisfaction.. guarantee. *Children dont try this at your own home* :P

12. I wish out of sight out of mind applied to bills.

13. Life is not fair, but life is not fair for everyone...which actually makes it fair....making it unfair for everyone

14. Is it even possible to calmly walk away from a dark basement?

15. I think you've confused me with someone who gives a shit about what you think!

16. Chicken is one of the few things that man eats before it's born and after it's dead.

17. Square box. Round pizza. Triangle slices. I'm Confused.

18. JESUS SAVES, he passes to Noah, and dodges Satan and gives it to Moses who shoots and SCORES!

19. Walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k and 1mb. That was a nice walk down memory lane.

20. The difference between "People Watching" and "Person Watching" is a Restraining Order. Evidently.

21. The odds of finding your soulmate just went up to 1 in 7 billion. Thank you census report.

22. When couples are in love, I call them love birds. And what you call the same couple after two years.... Angry birds.

23. What did the letter O say to the letter Q? Your thing is showing, zip it up!!!

If you liked these quotes, you might as well like to befriend him on Facebook. You would find his photography page at Shoumik De Photography on Facebook. You can also befriend me on Rajtilak Bhattacharjee at Facebook.

All Men Are Pigs - You Wish

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(OMG!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy man!)
(I'm still not over the pig!)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work.)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the..?!)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes, lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life. Quality over quantity, huh?)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm...)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextro us, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig?)

The First English Shayari Ever

This is the first English Shayari ever.

Arz hai:

"Later the bus, longer the queue",

Gaur farmaiyega:

"Later the bus, longer the queue",

"Shorter the skirt, AWESOME THE VIEW!"

Wah wah, wah wah!

Top 100 Funny One-liners

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket. I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

If you like these, be sure to subscribe to my RSS Feed.

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

Virginity is like a soap bubble, one prick and it is gone.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Top 100 Funny One-liners

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

When in doubt, mumble.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

Just remember. If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Top 100 Funny One-liners

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Top 100 Funny One-liners

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

Some people are like Slinkies, not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it, so I said "Implants?"

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Top 100 Funny One-liners

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Observations

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classroom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head.

"If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

I Quit, Smoking

Yes, I quit smoking from today. And no, that's not me smoking. That's some hawt chick having a drag. Why did I quit smoking? Well, from today onwards I have joined a gym. And after the first session, I realized the effects that smoking had on me.

Okay, now that's not me exercising either. That's again some hawt chick doing the drill. I know that the best exercise is to have sex. According to Forbes, having sex three or more times a week, men reduced their risk of heart attack or stroke by half, a vigorous bout burns some 200 calories which is about the same as running 15 minutes on a treadmill or playing a spirited game of squash, the pulse rate, in a person aroused, rises from about 70 beats per minute to 150, the same as that of an athlete putting forth maximum effort. Hmmmm...Did I just hear someone say "Oh shit, I am going home"?

But it's not that easy to get laid. Atleast not for a guy, that too with a girl. So I decided to join a gym instead, that would be a more legal way to shed some kilos. But after the first day, I realized that its taking me a lot to go through the regime because of my smoking habits. I am getting tired too easily and have to breathe really hard to keep up the pace.

So, I quit smoking.

Hey Teenu, hope you are reading this cause this one's for you man!

Funny One Liners

Here are some of the funniest one liners you have ever read. Hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed collecting them from various sources on the web.

The cops came to my house claiming my dog had chased someone on a bike. I told those idiots my dog doesn't have a bike.

My mind is elsewhere today. Wish I was with it.

My wife reminds me of an angel. She's always up in the air harping on about something.

Why is it difficult to open a piano? Because all the keys are inside!

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock across the room.

Right now, I'm sick of you, but try me again later.

Multi-tasking : twice the mistakes in less time.

Put Mexican booze in a birdbath if you want Tequilla mockingbird.

If someone says "I'm game" you can legally shoot them. You should check your state and local hunting regulations though.

Normal is just a setting on the dryer.

Which dog can jump higher than a building? Any dog. Buildings can't jump.

Honesty is always the best policy for people who have already given their notice and will never need a job reference.

Can you guys keep it down? I can barely hear myself suffering in silence.

As you get older, don't let society tell you what you can and can't do. That's what arthritis is for.

Taxi Driver : "Where to?" Jilted Lover : "Drive off a cliff. I'm committing suicide."

Does this white lie come in other colors?

Every time I step on my scale, it reads ERR. I think it's trying to change the subject.

What do you call photographers who chase dogs? Puparazzi.

I was injured tap dancing. Broke my ankle when I fell into the sink.

If I held you any closer, I would be on the other side of you.

I entered ten puns in a contest, and I thought I would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

What do you give to a dog with a fever? Mustard. It's the best thing for a hotdog.

Egotist, (n); Someone who is me-deep in conversation.

Disclaimer: I'm not as smart as I think I am.

Apathy Club is cancelled this week. Yeah, like I care.

I've decided I'd like to get to know you all a lot better. Let's start with banking information.

If at first you don't succeed, call it Version 1.0.

Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.

One time, I almost won the World Origami Championship. But I folded.

If you believe the competitive spirit in America is dead, you haven't been in the supermarket when the cashier opens another checkout line.

I saw a sign on the road that said, SURVEY CREW AHEAD. I did. They looked okay.

For more funny jokes, visit Jokes and Pranks.

40 Philosophies of Life

Life is full of philosophies and global gyans. Don't go out without them. And don't forget to subscribe to my RSS feed.

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Life's a bitch, get used to it!

5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

6. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

7. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

8. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

9. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

10. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

11. You will not make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

12. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

13. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

14. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

15. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

16. If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

17. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

18. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

19. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.

20. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

21. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

22. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

23. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

24. Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

25. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

26. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

27. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

28. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.

29. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

30. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved it's full potential, that word would be 'meetings'.

31. There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness'.

32. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

33. You should not confuse your career with your life.

34. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

35. Never lick a steak knife.

36. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

37. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

38. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

39. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that deep down inside we ALL believe we are good drivers.

40. Your friends love you anyway.

If you liked this post, chances are you would like these too.

50+ Funniest Quotes Ever

40 Hilarious Mitch Hedberg Quotes

D'oh : Hulu Celebrates the 20th Anniversary of The Simpsons

Tonight, The Simpsons will mark its 20th anniversary with a 450th episode where Krusty will fall in love with a princess, voiced by Anne Hathaway, as well as a one-hour anniversary special directed by Super Size Me filmmaker Morgan Spurlock.

The Hulu Editor Rebecca Harper announced that they’ll stream the special starting Monday morning. The Hulu team pulled together some of their favorite clips from 20 years of "D'oh!" The clips includes Homer Sells His Soul, in this season five Treehouse of Horror bit, Homer's do-good-ley neighbor Ned Flanders becomes Satan, and he has the perfect plan to acquire the Simpson patriarch's soul: with a donut. But Homer can't resist a last bite, and he's sent to the underworld so we can discover just what goes into hot dogs. There's good news for Homer, though. He gets all the donuts in the world.

Then we have Moe Takes a Test, where Montgomery Burns is shot (Maggie did it!), the cops bring Moe the bartender in for a lie detector test. While he's honest about his innocence, the machine does lead Moe to reveal that some secrets are better left unsaid.

And ofcourse how can we forget Lisa Causes Pigs to Fly. "A toast to the host who can boast the most roast." When Homer hosts a backyard barbecue, vegetarian Lisa shows what it takes to make pigs fly. It's just a little airborne, but it's still good!

Then we have Homer Stocks Up for Independence Day where, looking to stock up on illegal fireworks like the M-320 ("celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it"), Homer heads to a convenience store. Since he doesn't want to draw suspicion, though, he ends up buying all the things that most shoppers would feel uncomfortable asking for by name. And we have a lot more. Click here to check out all of them and enjoy your share of D'oh moments!

A - Z of Bongeivity

What's Bongeivity? Well, it's the mojo of Bongs (that's the name with which the people from West Bengal, India are fondly referred to). It is these thing which makes a Bong who he/she is. When people are working hard 24/7 to create 6- and 8-packs, it is these things which helps a Bong build his family pack with ease. Did I arouse your curiosity? Want to know more? Don't worry, here is the A - Z of Bongeivity. And remember, a little curiosity never killed a cat lest aside a blog reader.

A - is for Awpheesh (as in Office). This is where the average Kolkatan goes and spends a day hard at work. And if he works for the 'Vest Bengal Gawrment' he will arrive at 10, wipe his forehead till 11, have a tea break at 12, throw around a few files at 12.30, break for lunch at 1, smoke the 7th unfiltered cigarette at 2, break for 5th cup of tea at 3, sleep sitting down at 4 and go home at 4:30. It's a hard life!

B - is for Bhision. For some reason many Bengalis don't have good bhision. In fact in Kolkata most people are wearing spectacles all the time. Bhishon Bhalo and Bibhotso. Though means opposite, used for same situations depending on the beauty of fairer sex. Are close almost in a tie for second spot.

C - is for Chappell. Currently, this is the Bengali word for the Devil, for the worst form of evil. In the night mothers put their kids to sleep saying, 'Na ghumoley ebar Chappell eshey dhorey niye jabe'.

D - is for Debashish or any other name starting with Deb. By an ancient law every fourth Bengali Child has to be named Debashish. So you have a Debashish everywhere and trying to get creative they are also called Deb, Debu, Deba with variations like Debopriyo, Deboprotim, Debojyoti, etc. thrown in at times as creations of God himself!

E - is for Eeesh. This is a very common Bengali exclamation made famous by Aishwarya Rai in the movie Devdas. It is estimated that on an average a Bengali, especially Bengali women, use eeesh 10,089 times every year. 'Ei Morechhey' is a close second to Eeesh.

F - is for Feeesh. These are creatures that swim in rivers and seas and are a favourite food of the Bengalis. Despite the fact that a fish market has such strong smells, with one sniff a Bengali knows if a fish is all right. If not, he will say 'eeesh what feeesh is theesh!'

G - is for Good name. Every Bengali boy will have a good name like Debashish or Deboprotim! And ofcourse a pet name like Motka, Bhombol, Thobla, etc. While every Bengali girl will have pet names like Tia, Tuktuki, Mishti, Khuku, et cetera.

H - is for Harmonium. This Bengali equivalent of a rock guitar. Take four Bengalis and a Harmonium and you have the successors to The Bheatles!

I - is for Ileesh. This is a feeesh with 10,987 bones which would kill any ordinary person, but which the Bengalis eat with releeesh!

J - is for Jhola. No self-respecting Bengali is complete without his Jhola. It is a shapeless cloth bag where he keeps all his belongings and he fits an amazing number of things in. Even as you read this there are two million jholas bobbling around Kolkata, and they all look exactly the same! Note that 'Jhol' with mysterious condiments as in Maachher Jhol is a close second. Jhaamela and Jachhetai are distant 3rd and 4th.

K - is for Kee Kaando! It used to be the favorite Bengali exclamation till eeesh took over because of Aishwarya Rai. Kee mushkil is a close second.

L - is for Lungi, the dress for all occasions. People in Kolkata manage to play football and cricket wearing it, not to mention the daily trip in the morning to the local bajaar. Now there is talk of a lungi expedition to Mt Everest.

M - is for Minibaas. These are dangerous half buses whose antics would effortlessly frighten the living daylights out of all James Bond stuntmen as well as Formula 1 race car drivers. M for Mamatadi too!

N - is for Nangto. This is the Bengali word for Naked. It is the most interesting naked word in any language!

O - is for Oil. The Bengalis believe that a touch of mustard oil will cure anything from cold (oil in the nose), to earache (oil in the ear), to cough (oil on the throat) to piles (oil you know where!). "Nyakami hochhe?" is a close second.

P - is for Phootball. This is always a phavourite phassion of the Kolkatan. Every Bengali is born an expert in this game. The two biggest clubs there are MOHUNBAGAN and East Bengal and when they play the city comes to a stop.

Q - is for Koshchen (question) as in "Mamatadi! koshchens Cheap Ministaar in Writaars Buiding."

R - is for Robi Thakur. Many many years ago Rabindranath got the Nobel Prize. This has given the right to all Bengalis no matter where they are to frame their acceptance speeches as if they were directly related to the great poet and walk with their head held high. This also gives Bengalis the birthright to look down at Delhi and Mumbai and of course 'all non-Bengawlees'! Note that 'Rawshogolla' comes a close second!

S - is for Shourav. Now that they finally produced a genuine cricketer, that too a captain, Bengalis think that he should be allowed to play until he is 70 years old.

T - is for Trams. Hundred years later there are still trams in Kolkata. Of course if you are in a hurry it's faster to walk. Trams are still existing in Paris too you see!

U - is for Aambrela. When a Bengali baby is born he is handed one.

V - is for Bhaayolence. Bengalis are the most non-violent violent people around. When an accident happens they will fold up their sleeves, shout and scream and curse and abuse, "Chherey De Bolchhi". But the last time someone actually hit someone was in 1939.

W - is for Water. For three months of the year the city is underwater and every year for the last 200 years the authorities are taken by surprise by this!

X - is for X'mas. It's very big in Kolkata, with Park Street fully lit up and all Bengalis agreeing that they must eat cake that day.

Y - is for Yesshtaarday. Which is always better than today for a Bengali (see R for Robi Thakur). It is also for Jubraj Shingh and Joga.

Z - is for Jebra, Joo, and Jipper. Zaaa taaa bangalira chhara aar keu kisssoo Zaane naa.