Top 100 Funny One-liners

We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

When in doubt, mumble.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

Just remember. If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.