Funny One Liners

Here are some of the funniest one liners you have ever read. Hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed collecting them from various sources on the web.

The cops came to my house claiming my dog had chased someone on a bike. I told those idiots my dog doesn't have a bike.

My mind is elsewhere today. Wish I was with it.

My wife reminds me of an angel. She's always up in the air harping on about something.

Why is it difficult to open a piano? Because all the keys are inside!

Time flies when you throw your alarm clock across the room.

Right now, I'm sick of you, but try me again later.

Multi-tasking : twice the mistakes in less time.

Put Mexican booze in a birdbath if you want Tequilla mockingbird.

If someone says "I'm game" you can legally shoot them. You should check your state and local hunting regulations though.

Normal is just a setting on the dryer.

Which dog can jump higher than a building? Any dog. Buildings can't jump.

Honesty is always the best policy for people who have already given their notice and will never need a job reference.

Can you guys keep it down? I can barely hear myself suffering in silence.

As you get older, don't let society tell you what you can and can't do. That's what arthritis is for.

Taxi Driver : "Where to?" Jilted Lover : "Drive off a cliff. I'm committing suicide."

Does this white lie come in other colors?

Every time I step on my scale, it reads ERR. I think it's trying to change the subject.

What do you call photographers who chase dogs? Puparazzi.

I was injured tap dancing. Broke my ankle when I fell into the sink.

If I held you any closer, I would be on the other side of you.

I entered ten puns in a contest, and I thought I would win, but unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

What do you give to a dog with a fever? Mustard. It's the best thing for a hotdog.

Egotist, (n); Someone who is me-deep in conversation.

Disclaimer: I'm not as smart as I think I am.

Apathy Club is cancelled this week. Yeah, like I care.

I've decided I'd like to get to know you all a lot better. Let's start with banking information.

If at first you don't succeed, call it Version 1.0.

Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry.

One time, I almost won the World Origami Championship. But I folded.

If you believe the competitive spirit in America is dead, you haven't been in the supermarket when the cashier opens another checkout line.

I saw a sign on the road that said, SURVEY CREW AHEAD. I did. They looked okay.

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