40 Hilarious Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Here are some Mitch Hedberg quotes to make your day and broaden your smile. We love you Mitch. (I have marked my favs in red)

1. My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?

2. I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."

3. I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

4. I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here.

5. My manager saw me drinking backstage and he said "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk. Liquor severely f**ks up the way I walk. It ain't like a crutch, it's like a step I didn't see.

6. My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion! Fuck! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six, at least."

7. If you go to the grocery store and stand in front of the lunch meat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna -- somebody needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourself."

8. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

9. A lot of times, I'll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake.

10. I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut -- end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this.

11. One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-b***h! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!"

12. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

13. I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

14. I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

15. I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's 3 a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"

16. You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

17. I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

18. I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your lady friend, too!"

19. I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

20. If you have dentures, don't use artificial sweetener, cause you'll get a fake cavity.

21. Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning.

22. Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. "Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis"...one of those two doesn't sound right.

23. My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

24. An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

25. You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green"... Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.

26. I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

27. I angered the clerk in a clothing shop today. She asked me what size I was and I said actual, because I am not to scale.

28. Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out fliers, and when someone tries to hand me out a flier, it's kinda like they're saying, "Here, you throw this away."

29. I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

30. The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

31. I ordered a chicken sandwich but I think the waitress misunderstood me because she said, "How would you like your eggs?" So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said "Incubated, and then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked and then cut up then put onto a grill then put onto a bun. Sh*t, it's gonna take awhile. I don't have time, scrambled!"

32. I saw a dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him "Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over."

33. I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube.

34. I didn’t go to college but if I did I would’ve taken all my tests at a restaurant 'cause “The customer’s always right.”

35. When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.

36. I never joined the army because "at ease" never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me. At ease is not being in the military. I'm eased bro, cause I'm not in the military.

37. My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and the koalas scatter. I'm like, come back! I want to hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.

38. You can write that down and put a dash in front of it, and put my name at the bottom. Because all I want to be is dashed.

39. I like vending machines 'cause snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.

40. I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it'd be a jacket.

Found this post hilarious? Then check out the 32 Things To Do When Your ISP Is Down, I am sure you would love it. Also, subscribe to my RSS feed while you are at it.