Stock Market Terms - Redefined

CEO : Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO : Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET : A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET : A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry.

VALUE INVESTING : The art of buying low and selling lower.

BROKER : What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR : Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST : Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT : When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER : A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION : The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW : The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO : What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS : What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR : Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT : An archaic word no longer in use.